"The Making of Joy – How to Give Happiness to Yourself and Others"

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Last week I began the fall semester at Nichols College where I teach Leadership in the fall to two freshmen sections. This is a required course for all freshmen regardless of what major they decide to take. I applaud Nichols for requiring this course because there are too few good leaders in the world. I generally follow the mandatory syllabus, but I add some modifications along the way. One of the first topics we tackled last week was the characteristics of a great leader and what type of person they are. It’s difficult, if not impossible, with 18-year-olds to get into academic theory and I try to avoid it, but I did present the obligatory concept of what is called vertical and horizontal development in leadership. Horizontal development is how a person – a leader – develops skills and competencies. Vertical development is how a person – a leader – develops their whole person so they are able to consider a broader worldview and lead others. The best leaders have vertical abilities, but these are people that consider the whole world around them. They have the “big” picture. They focus a lot on the well-being of the people that work for them. They are open to change. They strive to help others. They are creative. They have a good sense of humor. They bring joy and motivation to those they lead and inspire their subordinates to succeed. I was astounded to learn from statistics that only 1% of all people fit into this category and only 8% of all executives meet this criteria. What in the world is going on in the world? But when I stopped to think about it, I realized this is really true. What is missing in the world we live in – in a broad sense and in so many cases, in our own lives? The answer is joy….joy of others, joy of the world we live in, joy of our own life. This lack of joy is, indeed, a sad state of affairs. So often in my sermons I speak of the importance of spirituality, and I will continue to do so because I think it is really important for everyone’s health and happiness. So often I mention that all of us have three components to our being: our body, mind and spirit. Body is pretty obvious. Mind includes our education,

our careers, our families, our interests. Spirituality is that connection with “other” – with the world around us, with the universe, with the divine, with that which we perceive to be greater than ourselves. This, of course, has been defined throughout human history by poets, philosophers, sages, gurus and prophets. To be happy and healthy, we must all have a balance between these three parts of our being. To be sure, this balance is not the same in everyone. It depends upon our personality and our life experiences. And – it usually changes as we go through the stages of life and gain new wisdom and experiences. But what is missing in too many people’s lives is a connection and even an awareness of their spiritual component. Without acknowledging, growing and developing our spiritual self, a person will not find true happiness. In its absence, people will instinctively know something is missing. They may not know what is missing and they will endeavor to fill the void through material pursuits, unhealthy relationships, glorification of themselves and other types of self-indulgence. But this will not work. The fact of the matter is – our spiritual component is really important for our health and happiness. And guess what – finding joy and experiencing joy is a vital part of spirituality. I’ll take it a step further. Joy is a critical element of loving another person.

Unfortunately, today, we don’t truly live in a “joyful world.” When you look at the news every day, it can be really depressing. There is so much conflict around the world and here in America. They is so much hatred toward others. Wars and killing abound. And in so many people’s personal lives, they are burdened by discord in families and relationships. Is it any wonder why finding and exploring one’s spiritual self can be a truly difficult endeavor? But it is critical that we do so and an important way to do this is to seek and experience joy. This may even be the first step on a spiritual journey.

Lack of joy and pessimism are not new. They have been part of the human condition since humans first walked upon the earth. We see it throughout history. Take the Book of Ecclesiastes in Hebrew scripture (the Old Testament - written around 300 BCE). In places, it is hardly an uplifting document. Consider its words: “Vanity of vanities – all is meaningless. For the fate of humans and the fate of animals is the same... All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even their name is forgotten. Their love, their hate and their jealousy have long since vanished." (This was written before the concept of heaven and hell entered Jewish thought).

The pursuit of wisdom can only lead to disappointment and grief. Not a lot of joy here in Ecclesiastes. Even older by hundreds of years is the beloved Bhagavad Gita, perhaps the most important Hindu scripture. It speaks often of the importance of joy. For example, it says “one whose happiness (and joy) is within, whose delight is within, and whose light is within, this yogi attains eternal bliss". One of the main drivers when Buddhism was established in India 2500 years ago was oriented around joy and how a person should experience joy in their life. According to Buddhist scripture and legend, when Siddhartha Gautama (who was the Buddha) left the luxuries of the palace and his status as a prince into which he was born, he sought spiritual enlightenment. At that time, in India, asceticism, was a foremost way gurus and spiritual practitioners sought spiritual enlightenment. (That is – denying yourself any sense of joy and happiness.) Accordingly, Siddhartha nearly starved himself to death. He eliminated anything in his life that would give him pleasure and joy. Some six years later, as the story goes, he suddenly realized this wasn’t working. No matter how much he deprived himself of joy and pleasure, he never experienced any sense of enlightenment – no sense of connecting with that which was greater than himself.

One day, meditating under a Bodhi tree, he suddenly had an inspiration and with this, he became enlightened or as some Buddhists describe, “the awakened one” which is what “the Buddha” means. A key component of the Buddha’s realization was that asceticism can be just as damaging to spiritual growth as extreme indulgence. And so, the Buddha, called for “the Middle Way.” The path to enlightenment, he preached, was not overindulgence and not asceticism. It was a balance between the two. Enjoy life, he said. Find joy in the world and the things of this world. Just don’t become so fixated on them that they become your main focus, for this will surely prevent you from experiencing spiritual enlightenment. When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. We all know of someone who is overindulgent. But - think of someone you have known who seemingly always denies themselves pleasure, denies themselves joy, refuses to find pleasure in life.

Sometimes such a person does this just to project to others the appearance that they sacrifice everything for others or that their life is truly miserable and they prove it by never seeking experiences that give them joy and pleasure in life. This is not a healthy situation and tell me – if you have known of a person like this, are they truly happy? Do they tell you how great life is, or do they mire in misery? Interestingly, if you look at Christian scripture as well, specifically the New Testament, it has similar views as Hindu and Buddhist scriptures. We find that Jesus enjoyed life, and he called for people to do the same. Find joy and live life abundantly he said. And specifically, Jesus really enjoyed meals with others. He apparently loved food and wine, since there are many references to this in the gospels.

In the Hadith which is the Muslim book that describes the life of Muhammed and many of his sayings, Muhammed too is described as having a joyful disposition. It is said he emphasized that people should have joy in life and share it with others. So – it is apparent that many of history’s sages and prophets believed and taught that joy is an essential element of life and important for spiritual health and happiness.

As we each seek to understand the balance in our own life between body, mind and spirit, it is crucial for us to evaluate all the factors in our life, and this includes taking stock of the joy in our life. Do we often feel a sense of joy or are we stuck in a rut – putting one foot in front of the other as the days, weeks, months and years

drift by? What exactly do we do to experience joy and how to we share this with others? I think part of the problem in our society is that we do not emphasize the importance of joy. Instead, our society glorifies hard work and getting ahead, seeking more and more money and doing so at the expense of enjoying life. Some even criticize those who seemingly spend too much time enjoying themselves. One example of this is how people eat their meals – perhaps not every meal but a lot of meals, especially dinners. Do we spend time at meals with others and really enjoy the meal and the company? Too many people rush through meals on their way to do something else. A meal becomes merely a way to shovel in food to satiate hunger instead of a sacred time to really enjoy food and the others we are with.

Research clearly shows that Americans enjoy life far less than our counterparts in other parts of the world. In Europe, for example, people get a minimum of four weeks paid vacation per year and most people get much more. The workplace in Europe essentially shuts down in the month of August. This is not true in America where the average paid vacation is two weeks per year. And worse, many Americans don’t even take the vacation they are entitled to. The reasons are many and tied to the hectic life of the American workplace and American values. (Meals and siestas in Spain and other countries).

It is true a majority of Americans say they experience happiness in retirement but a third of Americans report they are not happy in retirement. I’m guessing there are many reasons for this, but one reason is that if a person has never focused on experiencing happiness and joy in their life, they are not likely to find happiness and joy in retirement either. Becoming a joyful person is not something that just happens at a given moment – it is a lifelong process of intention. And I am betting retirees who are not joyful people do not have a balance in their life between body, mind and spirit.

Just a week or so ago I was talking to a man, a lawyer, who was telling me about his recent vacation. He was away for a week. He told me it was the first vacation he had taken in memory, and it felt very strange for him to be away from the office. All I could do was smile and tell him he needed to take more time off because, I said, “you need to enjoy life too beyond work.” He agreed but looked puzzled at the prospect. What happens to a person when they live their lives lacking joy and happiness is they often become the stereotypical curmudgeon. Lack of joy and happiness in a person’s life can lead to a sour disposition and to feeling that their life has no meaning and purpose. So - what can we do about this? The answer is we have to live our life with a focus and with a determination to experience joy and happiness. First, we have to understand that there is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is our overall positive outlook on our life and our own situation. Joy is a kind of intense feeling of happiness in a given moment. Finding frequent joyful moments in our life is what leads to happiness.

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist, neurologist, and Holocaust survivor who was born in 1905. He founded logotherapy, a school of psychotherapy focused on finding meaning in life. Much of his work was based on his experiences during the holocaust where he was interned in several German concentration camps. Through shear luck he survived the horrors of the camps. During his time there, Dr. Frankl noticed that prisoners had a better chance of survival if they found meaning and purpose in life by imagining events and

circumstances that would bring them joy. This he suggested was a personal choice and he found that camp victims that lost all hope and all sense of ever experiencing joy did not emotionally survive. In his book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Dr. Frankl proposed that even in the most unbearable circumstances and suffering, a person can find meaning in life if they seek joy – even if it is only by imagining joyful moments in the past or in the future. Even the act of enduring suffering, he said, can be turned into joy. This is at the heart of the logotherapy that he developed. It is still practiced today.

Sheryl Sandberg is a self-made billionaire. She served as the Chief Operating Officer of Facebook from 2008-2022. During most of those years, she had it all. She was a prosperous and successful executive. She had a great family and was deeply in love with her husband. Then tragedy struck on a vacation in Mexico in 2015 when her husband suddenly dropped dead from a heart attack. She was devastated and consumed by grief. It affected every part of her life, even her responsibilities as a parent. Gradually after reaching out to colleagues and friends, she found her way out of a very dark place. The results are noted in her book: “Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy.” Sandberg attributes her successful rise from despair to embracing the idea that finding joy can co-exist with pain and grief. Her book also contains stories of others who have experienced deep sadness and despair but learned new ways to experience joy and to find new happiness. She went on to create a Foundation dedicated to helping women overcome grief and learning to once again experience joy. She also established a scholarship program for underprivileged youth, and she supports many other charitable organizations using her own substantial resources.

Viktor Frankl and Sheryl Sandberg believe it is possible to find joy in life, even in life’s most difficult moments. So can we all. There are many ways to do this. I think the first step is to analyze how often we feel a sense of joy. Do we think we are happy? If not – why? Then, we can take steps to find ways to experience joy and happiness. Because body, mind and spirit are the components of being joyful and happy, it stands to reason we need to consider body and mind. To the extent we are able, we need to take care of our body. This may mean we need to consider our diet and the exercise we are capable of doing. Are we able to do more things to make our body healthy?

With regard to mind, what do we do to continue to enrich our intellectual selves? Can we read more and that includes reading books and articles that stimulate our intellectual curiosity? Do we watch programs that stimulate learning? There is an unlimited number of documentaries in all media sources that can fascinate our minds and place our life in context. Many programs can actually stimulate our spiritual growth as they display and describe the magic and mystery of our universe and the magnificence of earth and the life that resides on this special planet we call our home.

As far as experiencing joy is concerned, it should be a regular occurrence in our lives. These moments can lead to overall happiness. Ask yourself – how often do you have joy in your life? If the answer is seldom or never, it is time to change this and I know that for some, this is a challenge. It can be really difficult, but it is vital

for happiness and for spiritual growth. Think back on the moments you experienced joy. What were you doing and what was going on around you? Recreate these moments. If they involved other people – reach out to them. Being with others who bring us joy is a surefire way to experience joy again. Think back. Is there a special friend or family member who now lives far away, and you no longer talk to them very often or never? Call them.

Reconnect. And it you are able, plan a trip to spend time with them – or have them come to visit you. Is there a special kind of music you once loved but do not hear anymore? Find it and play it. Sit back in a quiet place and enjoy music. The right kind of music can put all of us in a special place. It can fill our emotions with joy and happiness. Like documentaries and videos – there are so many ways to find and enjoy music now – like Apple Music – right on your phone which can be sent to your stereo at home or in your car.

Rediscover the passions you once loved. This might include such activities as gardening, cooking, writing, painting and many types of special hobbies. Start practicing them again. Reintroduce humor in your life. Laughter is a tremendous tonic for sadness and depression. It is why in many crisis situations, people introduce humor. When you are feeling really sad, laughter lifts your spirits. You can actually feel it. That is why there is often laugher amid many tears.

To find joy in our lives, it is critical that we practice mindfulness. Remember, mindfulness is living fully in each moment – appreciating all that you can experience in the now. If your mind is the trickster that prevents you from truly living in the moment – mindfulness is the shutting down of that part of your mind that causes you to become distracted from the moment. It is the art of experiencing joy. Mindfulness lies at the epicenter of spiritual awareness and spiritual growth. One cannot be in touch with their spiritual dimension without living fully in the present and truly experiencing all the facets and happenings of their lives – especially the joyful moments. And it is often times in the mindful moments that we grow spiritually the most.

In practicing mindfulness and finding joy, I can think of no better place to do this then here on Cape Cod. This is such an incredible place in so many ways. I grew up in Washington DC which is a place many tourists visit every year. But if you ask a lot of people who grew up and live in Washington if they have ever visited the capital building, the Smithsonian museums, or the many other attractions in Washington – they will tell you – “Oh not really” or “maybe a long time ago.”

Why? Because they take for granted all there is to see and do in Washington. The same, unfortunately, is true for a lot of people who live on Cape Cod. Many people who moved here have forgotten why they moved here and some people who grew up here take Cape Cod for granted. We should renew our love of Cape Cod. Spend time listening to the singing of the birds, and the roaring of waves crashing upon the beach. We should watch the unfolding blooms in the spring as they splash brilliant colors across the greening fields and the woodlands. We should smell the salt of the sea, the pungent aroma of newly turned earth, and the mixed breezes of a summer afternoon.

We should feel the cool breeze of the fall, the hot sun upon our face. And if you are not able to get out into nature – find Cape Cod videos on YouTube. There are dozens. If you watch some of these videos and combine them with your memories of the past – you will feel again the moments of joy you once had, and you can experience them again. Or better yet – pick up a copy of the book “Cape Cod” by Henry David Thoreau. Read it again if you have already read it. Thoreau’s description of his many visits to the Cape will resonate with you and they will take you to a place where memories of joyful moments abound.

As Thoreau said, "If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, (and it) is more elastic, more starry, more immortal—that is your success."

There is another great way to find joy and that is to bring it to others! As the Biblical quote from the Book of Acts says, “it is better to give then to receive.” There is a lot of truth in this. When people help others, they get a feeling of joy and happiness.

Think of a time when you really helped another person and they truly thanked you. How did it make you feel? No doubt you experienced a moment of joy. You can do this again. Think of ways you can bring joy to others. This may mean doing a special favor for someone who is not expecting it. It may mean meeting that friend

or family member for lunch or dinner. It may mean taking them to a museum or a concert. The ways are limitless. Just find ways you know will bring joy to another. And it may just mean calling someone who is a special friend or family member you haven’t spoken with in a long time. Doing this will certainly bring moments of joy to that person and, in turn, it will give you a moment of joy.

Finally – as tough as life can be, and it can be tough, life is truly worth living. Remembering this often and putting your life in context can remind you that finding joy is truly possible. As one quote says, “Joy is all around you. It is in the little moments that make life worth living; the sparks that light you up and leave you feeling good to be alive. And when joyful moments are many – happiness in life flowers.”

Reverend Christopher McMahon

UUMH

September 2025